I've got this...

The last year has been the strangest ever in my life. I have experienced so many emotions that sometimes I've wondered how much control I've had over them. It would be a complete understatement to say my life has been like a rollercoaster ride. Divorce with a small child has been no picnic. You just never really know what is going to come out of the mouth of a 4 year old. After the first few months of dealing with being separated from McKade during my ex's visitation days, I grew accustomed to out of the blue questions like, "Mom, when are we going back to our house with Daddy?" and even fits of "I want to live in my old house with you and Daddy!!!!!" I've learned to single-handedly get up in the morning, get everything together, and make it to daycare and work on time. There have been many days off that McKade has gone to daycare and I have come back home to spend the day in bed wondering why and how my life has gotten where it is. Most of the time, whether I've been cool, positive and collected or falling to pieces inside, I've maintained my "I've got this" attitude to the world. The few of my friends who have witnessed my breaking point, know how hard it is for me to admit defeat in anything, but when I fall - I fall hard. At some point, I'm not sure which one, I finally started believing that "I've got this" instead of just acting like I do. Since that moment, life in general has gotten easier. It still hurts - don't think it doesn't. There is nothing like the pain of hearing your baby boy come home calling another woman "mom" then trying to figure out how to deal with it without looking psycho. I feel like I'm basically a whole person again. I've gotten control of my own life and have found out that it is worth living. I will likely always have some trust issues. Who wouldn't after my failed marriage (x2)? At this point, I have faith God and myself that I can do this and I have the closure to move on with my life. I don't hear wedding bells in my future (near or far). I'm just proud that I have the chance to move on, meet new people, and catch up with some from my past. Just in the past few months, I've realized that my life is about raising McKade and teaching him to be the best possible person he can be and about making dreams come true for myself. I've lost weight (I'm attempting to lose more), I've gotten healthier. I'm moving on! The last thing I want right now is a serious relationship. I am very happy with the friends & sporadic dates that I have. I just don't feel like it is the time to tie myself down and I'm terrified of the thought of ever falling in love again. I appreciate everyone for supporting me through the last *almost* year of my life. I'm to the point where I can now say (and believe with all my heart)... "I'VE GOT THIS!"